I don't think I'll be posting much for a while. Of course I will let you all know if--by some miracle--this cycle results in a BFP, and I will continue to read all the blogs that I follow regularly and comment where appropriate.
Although I first started this blog to have a place to vent my feelings and to connect with other women going through similar experiences, I am beginning to view it as one more way in which I have allowed myself to become fixated and obsessive about our inability to have a baby. Though I enjoy writing here and reading and responding to comments (which, by the way: I cannot email a response to a commenter if her blogger profile is private), I think these activities are just giving me more opportunity to dwell on things.
(Arguably, reading others' blogs is also adding fuel to this fire, but I have become oddly attached to the writers whose blogs I read and don't want to lose track of their stories.)
I just don't think that I currently have much to say that I haven't already said before. I still find myself constantly assaulted by others' happiness about their pregnancies and children; I still find I can't be happy for any "fertiles" who conceive. I still have envy, anger, grief, guilt, frustration and all the rest. I just feel like I've said it all before and don't have much new to share in terms of feelings.
So. That's where I am. I didn't want anyone who has been reading even semi-regularly to think that anything bad had happened to cause me to stop posting, and I don't plan to abandon this blog entirely. I just probably won't post again for a while.
Although I first started this blog to have a place to vent my feelings and to connect with other women going through similar experiences, I am beginning to view it as one more way in which I have allowed myself to become fixated and obsessive about our inability to have a baby. Though I enjoy writing here and reading and responding to comments (which, by the way: I cannot email a response to a commenter if her blogger profile is private), I think these activities are just giving me more opportunity to dwell on things.
(Arguably, reading others' blogs is also adding fuel to this fire, but I have become oddly attached to the writers whose blogs I read and don't want to lose track of their stories.)
I just don't think that I currently have much to say that I haven't already said before. I still find myself constantly assaulted by others' happiness about their pregnancies and children; I still find I can't be happy for any "fertiles" who conceive. I still have envy, anger, grief, guilt, frustration and all the rest. I just feel like I've said it all before and don't have much new to share in terms of feelings.
So. That's where I am. I didn't want anyone who has been reading even semi-regularly to think that anything bad had happened to cause me to stop posting, and I don't plan to abandon this blog entirely. I just probably won't post again for a while.
Obviously I totally respect your decision to withdraw a little from posting, but I will miss you!
ReplyDeleteBest wishes.
You will be missed, however long or short of a break you take. But I know what you mean about this...place. While I LOVE the blogosphere, I sometimes see its potential for bad creep to the surface. Can be addictive, can breeds obsession, and can promote identification with our losses (lost chances, lost hours to yearning and wanting, jealousy and bitterness, as well as lost pregnancies and children) and dwelling on the negative. I wish you all the luck for this cycle and everything else that lies ahead.
ReplyDeleteWe will miss you. Sometimes a break from all things infertility is a good thing! I hope that this cycle is successful. I will be interested to hear if you decide to pursue the donor egg route (if this IUI is not successful). I have a feeling that is what my RE will suggest next. Hang in there and sending good thoughts! IF stinks and we know where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteI do understand, I had my moments where I wondered what I was doing to myself with my blogging, researching and stalking other blogs. I retreated a few times. I respect your decision. Please know you will be missed and when you do post, you will show up in my list and I will visit. I will be wishing you the best.
ReplyDeleteI'll miss you!
ReplyDeleteHaven't been commenting as much lately, and I'm sorry. Just been busy and sick. I completely respect your decision - use it as an outlet when you need it. But we're all thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, hon. I'm sorry you're feeling that way, though I completely respect your decision. I found that there are times when I don't have much to say. . .but then someone else posts something that sparks something in me. You are right to pull away if you feel that is what you need to do for YOU. But please know that we are all here to support you no matter what, even if that means saying the same things over and over again! We have all been there, and we can all identify with all of those feelings you mention.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending lots of bloggy love your way.
Hugs,
Jo
Just stumbled across your blog.
ReplyDeleteTTC since December 2004, diagnosed with infertility (supposedly mild male factor, but I still believe there are some other bits not working with me) in 2006, and after 2 failed medicated IUIs we called it quits. Never had so much as a false positive in 5+ years of trying.
I also could never make the jump to IVF for many of the same reasons you stated, and I have tried many, many times to stop thinking about babies, move on with my life and try to be happy for those around me that get pregnant.
Unfortunately, it is all too easy to slip back into the sadness, the anger and bitterness with the constant reminders of how fertile the majority of the population is. I am often amazed at the sudden flush of overwhelming anger and grief when I hear yet another "I'm pregnant!"
I wish you much success in moving on and trying to break free of the sadness and anger - it is such a lonely and dark place to live. I know. Good luck.