An excerpt from the holiday letter I wish I'd written

As usual, 2009 has been an eventful year.

In January, to kick off the new year, we embarked on a series of invasive testing at a well-respected local fertility clinic. After multiple canceled and rescheduled appointments with our very popular doctor, having been told that he could find nothing wrong with either of us except that my eggs are "old," I started using traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture in an attempt to achieve pregnancy without medical intervention. Three months later, after spending thousands of dollars and enduring weekly sessions with acupuncture needles and three-times-a-day teas with the foulest tastes and smells imaginable, we resigned ourselves to having to use the fertility clinic's services.

As you can see only MM, the dogs, and I here in our family photo, you have probably already guessed that, despite the months of fertility drugs and frustration and thousands of dollars spent, we are still childless. (And no, I am not pregnant in the photo, just fat.) In early August, just a couple of weeks after the dogs' drug overdose (more on that later), I got my first-ever positive pregnancy test, only to find out within the same day that I was having an early miscarriage. We hope it is not the only positive pregnancy test we will ever see, but who knows?

On a related note, I'd like to extend my congratulations to the twelve people who announced their pregnancies this year--one the day after my miscarriage was diagnosed--and the fifteen people we know who welcomed their first child into the world in 2009. And especial kudos to the two friends who managed to accomplish both the birth of a child AND another pregnancy this year! You know who you are. . . .

I am a little late to the party with this topic, but wanted to share my thoughts nonetheless.

I know my fellow ladies struggling with infertility can relate to the mixed emotions associated with receiving friends' and family members' holiday greetings. On the one hand, I genuinely love hearing from everyone, finding out what they have been up to, and seeing how their kids have grown. I actually like getting photos with my holiday cards. On the other hand, the newsletters and especially the photos can be a painful reminder of what we don't have and may never have.

Oh, and by the way: I hate it when my friends, the parents, only send out photos of their kids. Yes, I get that you are probably unhappy with your figure after having given birth and that you'd prefer to hide from the camera. . . and yes, I want to see your kids looking cute and Christmas-y and see how they have grown since last year's card. BUT I'd also like to see a picture of YOU, my friend, even more than I'd like to see a picture of your offspring, especially if we don't often see one another during the year. Ahem.

Our "family" photo this year was a picture of MM, the goldens, and me. It was a very nice photo (thanks, BFF), but I'll admit that I wondered whether it would seem a little pathetic to my friends and relatives with children. "Oh, look: S has been married for over a year, and she and her husband still just have those big, hairy dogs, two of them now. Guess they aren't having any kids; she is getting kind-of old."

I've decided that for Christmas 2010, I am going to make a concerted effort to make sure that I get a good photo of MM and me on each trip we take. (We already have our first, to Las Vegas, planned for the third weekend in March.) Next year's photo greeting will be a collage of us in all the fun places we visited. That way my friends with small children can envy ME the way I currently envy THEM. . . . I doubt most people who are parenting small children get to take 3-4 trips a year just for fun.

Yes, I am being a little snarky, and my intention is somewhat inappropriate for a time of year that is supposed to be filled with joy and good cheer. Oh well. I guess I'm just a horrible person. (Hey, maybe that is why I've been cursed with infertility!)

Happy New Year! I hope 2010 is a better year for us all.