Done

Our latest cycle was a bust: AF arrived four days ahead of schedule last Saturday. It was no surprise that it didn't work--the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result--but I was surprised and annoyed to get my period four days earlier than I'd expected it. Seems that the drug regimen for this past cycle screwed up my body in more ways than one.

Because I started having cramps and spotting on Friday afternoon and knew that AF was on her way, MM and I had a long talk Friday night about this "journey" we have been on these past 20 months of TTC. To summarize our discussion, we have agreed to stop doing intervention. We both feel that the toll it is taking on us, physically (on me), emotionally and financially, is too much. And given our "unexplained" diagnosis, we don't even know for sure that the treatments are necessary or helpful.

We re-visited the IVF option and once again agreed that it isn't for us. We agreed that we still feel that adoption isn't for us. MM does not believe in prayer, and I have been having my doubts on the subject myself.

If no "miracle" occurs in the next two years, we may consider pursuing donor egg IVF at CCRM at that time. It would be a compromise in a lot of ways, but we think it is a compromise that would be worth our consideration. Unfortunately, the price tag is high: around $30K per cycle.

I know there are a lot of people who are willing to go a lot farther, spend more money, and do more to try to achieve a pregnancy. MM and I agree that we have done about as much as we can reasonably do at this point. (He sagely pointed out that what we have already done is far more than most of our friends who have children ever had to do.) We don't intend to go into debt, or push me to the brink of my sanity, or allow our entire lives to revolve around TTC any more than we already have.

Since our discussion, I have felt relieved that I will no longer be closely tracking my cycles, taking injections, doing OPKs, and the like. I'm relieved that I won't have to think about TTC and that I can focus on other things again.

I have not found, however, that our decision has made my inability to have a child of my own any more easy to bear. In fact, though my primary emotion about my childless state is currently grim resignation, I am still angry and sad, too.

I think the holidays and the focus on families that is even more prominent than usual this time of year is enhancing my feelings of loss and grief. (I'm sure those of who reading this who are in a similar situation can relate.)

So that's where we are. I may still post on here from time to time about my emotions about our infertility, which I'm sure are not going to go away any time soon, but I will no longer be writing about my experiences with treatments because I won't be having any.

I see that a few people have already stopped "following" this blog since my last post, and I anticipate more will stop reading once I post this entry. I understand; we are looking for others who are sharing our experiences, and insofar as the pursuit of treatment goes, I will no longer be sharing the experiences of most of those who read this blog.

I have been trying to focus on the fact that the majority of my life is very good. I am relatively healthy; I still have both my parents and a sister and a nephew; I am married to a terrific guy; I have lots of friends; I am gainfully employed in a job that I enjoy (most days).

Somehow, though, knowing that I have all these things and more does not take away the pain in my heart because of what I don't have, what I probably will never have.

I hope this gets easier to accept as time passes. We'll see.