Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Done

Our latest cycle was a bust: AF arrived four days ahead of schedule last Saturday. It was no surprise that it didn't work--the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result--but I was surprised and annoyed to get my period four days earlier than I'd expected it. Seems that the drug regimen for this past cycle screwed up my body in more ways than one.

Because I started having cramps and spotting on Friday afternoon and knew that AF was on her way, MM and I had a long talk Friday night about this "journey" we have been on these past 20 months of TTC. To summarize our discussion, we have agreed to stop doing intervention. We both feel that the toll it is taking on us, physically (on me), emotionally and financially, is too much. And given our "unexplained" diagnosis, we don't even know for sure that the treatments are necessary or helpful.

We re-visited the IVF option and once again agreed that it isn't for us. We agreed that we still feel that adoption isn't for us. MM does not believe in prayer, and I have been having my doubts on the subject myself.

If no "miracle" occurs in the next two years, we may consider pursuing donor egg IVF at CCRM at that time. It would be a compromise in a lot of ways, but we think it is a compromise that would be worth our consideration. Unfortunately, the price tag is high: around $30K per cycle.

I know there are a lot of people who are willing to go a lot farther, spend more money, and do more to try to achieve a pregnancy. MM and I agree that we have done about as much as we can reasonably do at this point. (He sagely pointed out that what we have already done is far more than most of our friends who have children ever had to do.) We don't intend to go into debt, or push me to the brink of my sanity, or allow our entire lives to revolve around TTC any more than we already have.

Since our discussion, I have felt relieved that I will no longer be closely tracking my cycles, taking injections, doing OPKs, and the like. I'm relieved that I won't have to think about TTC and that I can focus on other things again.

I have not found, however, that our decision has made my inability to have a child of my own any more easy to bear. In fact, though my primary emotion about my childless state is currently grim resignation, I am still angry and sad, too.

I think the holidays and the focus on families that is even more prominent than usual this time of year is enhancing my feelings of loss and grief. (I'm sure those of who reading this who are in a similar situation can relate.)

So that's where we are. I may still post on here from time to time about my emotions about our infertility, which I'm sure are not going to go away any time soon, but I will no longer be writing about my experiences with treatments because I won't be having any.

I see that a few people have already stopped "following" this blog since my last post, and I anticipate more will stop reading once I post this entry. I understand; we are looking for others who are sharing our experiences, and insofar as the pursuit of treatment goes, I will no longer be sharing the experiences of most of those who read this blog.

I have been trying to focus on the fact that the majority of my life is very good. I am relatively healthy; I still have both my parents and a sister and a nephew; I am married to a terrific guy; I have lots of friends; I am gainfully employed in a job that I enjoy (most days).

Somehow, though, knowing that I have all these things and more does not take away the pain in my heart because of what I don't have, what I probably will never have.

I hope this gets easier to accept as time passes. We'll see.

16 comments:

  1. I am sorry that your tx's didn't work out, but since you're unexplained (like me), I am truly not suprised. RE's don't want to get to the bottom of U/E IF, they just push those damn IUI's.

    I hope you can enjoy not having to chart anymore. My hubby and I are taking a break too, but for different reasons. Not tracking my cycle is a bit of a relief, I must admit. Good luck!

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  2. i wish you all the best on your journey, wherever it may lead you. i hope you find peace and joy and maybe even a few miracles along the way.

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  3. I'm sorry you have come to your breaking point. I have sadly come to the same decision. Please feel free to read the blog that I wrote today. I admire that you seem to be at better terms than I am. I'm still pretty down in the dumps, but I feel as you do that it is just not an option at this point to continue down the path I originally started. I will continue to read your blog, and I hope that some will continue to read mine as well. Thanks for sharing. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.

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  4. I'm so sorry about the outcome last cycle. On the other hand I am so glad that you and your husband are on the same page, that takes a lot of the stress out of decisions like this. You guys are very strong and make a strong unit - you've thoughtfully weighed all the options and decided on a course of action and that should give you comfort - that you are doing the best thing for the both of you. I will still read, whenever you feel like writing.

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  5. I am sorry that it has come to this point, but i know all the wishes and i'm sorrys that we offer don't change things. While my journey has taken a different path from yours, I do wish you peace and that you do find success in growing your family. You and MM are a family, remember that this holiday season. I will still be watching for you to appear in my reader :)

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  6. I'm always interested in what you have to say - no matter the topic. So please share whenver you feel like you can. That being said, I'm sorry about the process and the decision that had to be made. I don't know what else to say except I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you need to talk.

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  7. There is nothing wrong with stopping treatments. In the 7 years that Mo and I have been TTC, we've taken lots of breaks. Some short, some not-so-short. The point is, you have to take care of YOU and your marriage, and sometimes that means stopping treatments.

    Hoping and praying that this isn't the end of your baby journey.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  8. Here from LFCA. Peace to you as you move forward.

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  9. Sending you hugs and peace,

    Sonja

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  10. Here from Mel's L&F.

    As I read your post if felt as though I was reading my own from a few years ago. I know intimately what you're living with and through right now. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

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  11. 10 years ttc and 6 miscarriages, we too have decided enough is enough.

    It was the toughest decision we've ever had to make and I'm currently dragging myself through hell now trying to come to terms with our decision.

    Please feel free to click on over and read my blog, it might not always be pretty but it is always open, honest and raw.

    May you have the strength to move forward in your life.

    xxxx

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  12. Oh my. I'm so sorry honey, I hadn't realized. Your post made me just sigh a deep sign because, on some level, I think I get it. We've only taken short breaks before, but I remember feeling just so "done."

    I'm proud of you two for making this decision since it seems best for you at this point. I hope that you continue to cling to each other and that the coming months bring you some sense of peace and strength for whatever comes next.

    Know that I will continue to think of you and I hope that you drop a line from time to time :) Moreover, know that so many of us would love to read whatever it is you have to write in this space! It's yours, and we're here for you.

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  13. Just thinking of you and wishing you holiday peace.

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  14. I think a lot of infertile couples go through phases where they stop or suspend treatment. We are also in a place where we feel adoption isn't for us. Sharah's blog may be helpful to you. She stopped treatment and ended up pregnant, but what I think is a true value is her discussions about their choice to stop treatment and her life choice to live child free if need be.

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  15. I am hopeful that taking break from treatments eventually brings you the outcome you are hoping for.

    Keep focusing on the positive in your life as you are doing.

    Wishing you all the best~
    CeCe

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  16. I followed you here from a recent comment you made on msfitzita's blog. I too am living childfree after infertility & loss, for many of the same reasons you've outlined. It is a tough, tough decision, & one that many people, both fertile & infertile, do not understand. Give yourself lots of time! (((hugs)))

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