My head has been full of a lot of thoughts this past week, none of which seem really fit to share here. Have given some serious contemplation to shutting down this blog. Maybe a long-ish hiatus would be more in order, as my feelings may change at some time, and I do think that this blog is a good source of information for anyone contemplating DE IVF.
Good things are happening in my life, too. I had my annual review at work yesterday, and it didn't go as badly as I'd feared. We took a quick trip to Las Vegas last weekend to see my sister and her family while they were visiting there for a week. That was fun, as I had not seen them in a year, and my sister had not seen the boys since they were only weeks old. I am blessed with terrific friends and family who have supported me through some difficult times.
If I step away from this space, it will be here when I return.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
It's over
I'm no longer pregnant. We will never meet this little one.
I'm not sure that I'd ever reached a point of truly believing this would happen, but I feel especially bad for MM, who was happy and excited. He'd been picking out names and shopping online for mini-vans (a vehicle he'd previously vehemently opposed but decided we'd have to get for three car seats).
Lots of mixed emotions, and, sorry to admit, a teeny bit of relief that I woke up with no nausea today for the first time in over a week. Still feeling pretty fatigued and crampy.
I'm not sure that I'd ever reached a point of truly believing this would happen, but I feel especially bad for MM, who was happy and excited. He'd been picking out names and shopping online for mini-vans (a vehicle he'd previously vehemently opposed but decided we'd have to get for three car seats).
Don't really have much more to say about it but wanted to let you know.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Friday follow-up
Thank you to all of you who took the time to comment on my last post and to send me emails. Your support and understanding really mean a lot to me.
I was a little hesitant to share my feelings here because I realize there are likely some of you reading who would love to find yourselves unexpectedly pregnant, either with a first child or another child, and I know that, for someone in that place, a post like the one I shared yesterday would probably be difficult to read. I do apologize to anyone who fits that description who may have been offended.
I woke up this morning with some mild nausea and smell aversion. Probably a reassuring sign in relation to increasing hormone levels but also an unpleasant harbinger of what's to come.
Thus far, I have had no other symptoms indicating that I am either pregnant or miscarrying. I have been tired, but I am often tired. I've had no spotting, no cramps, nothing noteworthy. Even with the minor symptoms this morning, if I didn't know I was pregnant, I probably would have assumed that I'd eaten something yesterday that disagreed with me or that I was getting a migraine (mine are often, though not always, accompanied by nausea).
We shall see what will happen. I am doing my best not to think too much about what is going on in my uterus, and truth be told, as busy as I am these days, it's pretty easy to forgot about.
I was a little hesitant to share my feelings here because I realize there are likely some of you reading who would love to find yourselves unexpectedly pregnant, either with a first child or another child, and I know that, for someone in that place, a post like the one I shared yesterday would probably be difficult to read. I do apologize to anyone who fits that description who may have been offended.
I woke up this morning with some mild nausea and smell aversion. Probably a reassuring sign in relation to increasing hormone levels but also an unpleasant harbinger of what's to come.
Thus far, I have had no other symptoms indicating that I am either pregnant or miscarrying. I have been tired, but I am often tired. I've had no spotting, no cramps, nothing noteworthy. Even with the minor symptoms this morning, if I didn't know I was pregnant, I probably would have assumed that I'd eaten something yesterday that disagreed with me or that I was getting a migraine (mine are often, though not always, accompanied by nausea).
We shall see what will happen. I am doing my best not to think too much about what is going on in my uterus, and truth be told, as busy as I am these days, it's pretty easy to forgot about.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
It's complicated
[WARNING: PREGNANCY, CHILDREN AND NEGATIVE THOUGHTS MENTIONED AND DISCUSSED. FEEL FREE TO SKIP THIS POST IF THOSE TOPICS ARE SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT.]
I went to the OB's office this morning and saw two of the nurse practitioners. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that there is a single yolk sac in my uterus. Which is good for two reasons: one, I'm not having an ectopic pregnancy, and two, there is only ONE yolk sac = one embryo.
After years of infertility, it would never have occurred to me that seeing a second line on a HPT would ever induce any feelings in me but happiness and excitement. Those feelings aren't what I've been experiencing over the past 24 hours, though. My feelings have been quite a bit more complicated.
My first, and still my chief, feeling has been surprise/disbelief. I have long thought that the odds of our ever conceiving naturally were extremely low and getting lower every month. I mean, why else would we have used fertility treatment, donor eggs in fact, to achieve pregnancy?
A quick internet search will tell you that the "average" 42-year-old woman has about a 3% chance of conception each month. . . and even that chance would be premised on the notion that she actually had sex during the "fertile window" of her cycle. The NP at my OB's office confirmed that the odds of conception for a woman my age are 2-3% and agreed with me that those odds are likely even lower for someone like me with a history of three years of unsuccessful TTC.
Since our sons were born, MM and I have been lucky if we have s.e.x once a month some months. Two or three times in a month would be a banner month for us. What are the odds that one of these rare episodes that always occur on weekends (which is the only time we have both the time and energy) would fall on a fertile day?
Frankly, I'm also a little annoyed. I mean, MM and I resorted to EXTREME measures to become parents. We spent over $30K over three years before finally having AJ and MJ via donor egg IVF. If we had had even an INKLING that there was even a HOPE of ever achieving pregnancy on our own, would we have gone to the lengths we did? Maybe we just needed to keeping TTC for five years instead of three?
Of course, we did not have a crystal ball and had no way of knowing that sometime down the road something like this could happen. Now that we have AJ and MJ, of course we cannot ever regret the measures that brought them into our lives, whatever the cost. We love our boys for the unique people they are. . . people they wouldn't be if they had been conceived in some other fashion.
I also feel embarrassed. In my mind, unplanned pregnancy is generally something that happens to women who are immature and irresponsible (apologies to my readers who have had an unplanned pregnancy). Neither MM nor I is either immature or irresponsible. We simply felt that, if the odds of a pregnancy happening through intercourse were probably 2% or less, that meant that there was a 98+% chance that it wouldn't happen. I think (thought) those were good odds. . . more effective than most forms of birth control claim.
Since my sons were born, I have told everyone who has ever asked whether we would ever have another child that I would never, ever go through another pregnancy. I meant that. The thought of enduring another pregnancy fills me with dread and, honestly, fear.
I have some very real concerns, both about my own health and about the health of the potential future baby. My previous pregnancy was far from uncomplicated. In addition to the "inconveniences" of extreme fatigue, all-day nausea for the first two trimesters, constant heartburn and the like, I also developed life-threatening complications. I delivered pre-term. I had a very significant post-c-section hemorrhage. I literally could have died.
Obviously this is not all about me, but I don't want to die or become disabled because of an accidental pregnancy. I have two young children already whose needs I must consider, and more than anything, they need a mother who is present and healthy.
I wasn't in prime physical condition when I embarked on my last pregnancy, but I had lost some weight and spent a couple of months getting in better shape before our cycle. Now, in addition to being two years older, my body is shot. I live with some kind of pain somewhere daily. I still get charley-horse-type cramps in my right lower abdomen on occasion, so I know that my abdominal muscles are not normal post-twin-pregnancy and post-c-section. I don't have half the muscle tone generally or the cardiovascular endurance I had before getting pregnant with my sons.
There is also a real risk of miscarriage: 50% at my age. I am only about 5 weeks pregnant, give or take, so it is very early, and there are no guarantees.
The odds of chromosomal abnormalities are higher for a baby conceived via 42-year-old eggs. Plus there is a real risk that I will once again deliver pre-term, and depending upon how pre-term that happens, even a healthy, normal child could end up with long-term problems as a result of premature birth. These things concern me greatly. As much as I find it hard to wrap my mind around the idea of adding a third, healthy child to our family, I think it would be doable. Difficult but doable. A child with significant health challenges? I honestly don't know how we would do it.
These thoughts don't even approach the topic of adding a third child to our family. Honestly, my mind hasn't really gone to that topic much yet. If this pregnancy continued to term, AJ and MJ would be only 22 months old when the baby is born. I have posted often here about how overwhelmed I have felt juggling work and home life with young twins, and I have mentioned the strain that having two young children has placed on our marriage. At this point, I really can't fathom how we will possibly manage having a third child. Anyone can also imagine the financial and logistical challenges that would stem from having three children under 2 instead of two.
Anyway. . . I know I sound like a real Debbie Downer here, but that's where I'm at. I am not assuming that this pregnancy is going to continue, because whether or not it will is basically the flip of a coin. I am trying not to dwell on the risks and challenges that lie ahead if it does continue.
Given that my main focuses are the notion that I may miscarry at any time and the potential difficulties I will face if I don't, I guess it's not too surprising that I'm not feeling excited or happy yet.
I will be going back to the OB in a little less than three weeks for another ultrasound, and if the pregnancy is then still progressing, I will have a consultation with the high-risk OB group who followed me during my last pregnancy and delivery to get some more concrete information about the risks are in continuing this pregnancy. Although I can't control much of what will happen, I want to be as well-informed as possible.
I went to the OB's office this morning and saw two of the nurse practitioners. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that there is a single yolk sac in my uterus. Which is good for two reasons: one, I'm not having an ectopic pregnancy, and two, there is only ONE yolk sac = one embryo.
After years of infertility, it would never have occurred to me that seeing a second line on a HPT would ever induce any feelings in me but happiness and excitement. Those feelings aren't what I've been experiencing over the past 24 hours, though. My feelings have been quite a bit more complicated.
My first, and still my chief, feeling has been surprise/disbelief. I have long thought that the odds of our ever conceiving naturally were extremely low and getting lower every month. I mean, why else would we have used fertility treatment, donor eggs in fact, to achieve pregnancy?
A quick internet search will tell you that the "average" 42-year-old woman has about a 3% chance of conception each month. . . and even that chance would be premised on the notion that she actually had sex during the "fertile window" of her cycle. The NP at my OB's office confirmed that the odds of conception for a woman my age are 2-3% and agreed with me that those odds are likely even lower for someone like me with a history of three years of unsuccessful TTC.
Since our sons were born, MM and I have been lucky if we have s.e.x once a month some months. Two or three times in a month would be a banner month for us. What are the odds that one of these rare episodes that always occur on weekends (which is the only time we have both the time and energy) would fall on a fertile day?
Frankly, I'm also a little annoyed. I mean, MM and I resorted to EXTREME measures to become parents. We spent over $30K over three years before finally having AJ and MJ via donor egg IVF. If we had had even an INKLING that there was even a HOPE of ever achieving pregnancy on our own, would we have gone to the lengths we did? Maybe we just needed to keeping TTC for five years instead of three?
Of course, we did not have a crystal ball and had no way of knowing that sometime down the road something like this could happen. Now that we have AJ and MJ, of course we cannot ever regret the measures that brought them into our lives, whatever the cost. We love our boys for the unique people they are. . . people they wouldn't be if they had been conceived in some other fashion.
I also feel embarrassed. In my mind, unplanned pregnancy is generally something that happens to women who are immature and irresponsible (apologies to my readers who have had an unplanned pregnancy). Neither MM nor I is either immature or irresponsible. We simply felt that, if the odds of a pregnancy happening through intercourse were probably 2% or less, that meant that there was a 98+% chance that it wouldn't happen. I think (thought) those were good odds. . . more effective than most forms of birth control claim.
Since my sons were born, I have told everyone who has ever asked whether we would ever have another child that I would never, ever go through another pregnancy. I meant that. The thought of enduring another pregnancy fills me with dread and, honestly, fear.
I have some very real concerns, both about my own health and about the health of the potential future baby. My previous pregnancy was far from uncomplicated. In addition to the "inconveniences" of extreme fatigue, all-day nausea for the first two trimesters, constant heartburn and the like, I also developed life-threatening complications. I delivered pre-term. I had a very significant post-c-section hemorrhage. I literally could have died.
Obviously this is not all about me, but I don't want to die or become disabled because of an accidental pregnancy. I have two young children already whose needs I must consider, and more than anything, they need a mother who is present and healthy.
I wasn't in prime physical condition when I embarked on my last pregnancy, but I had lost some weight and spent a couple of months getting in better shape before our cycle. Now, in addition to being two years older, my body is shot. I live with some kind of pain somewhere daily. I still get charley-horse-type cramps in my right lower abdomen on occasion, so I know that my abdominal muscles are not normal post-twin-pregnancy and post-c-section. I don't have half the muscle tone generally or the cardiovascular endurance I had before getting pregnant with my sons.
There is also a real risk of miscarriage: 50% at my age. I am only about 5 weeks pregnant, give or take, so it is very early, and there are no guarantees.
The odds of chromosomal abnormalities are higher for a baby conceived via 42-year-old eggs. Plus there is a real risk that I will once again deliver pre-term, and depending upon how pre-term that happens, even a healthy, normal child could end up with long-term problems as a result of premature birth. These things concern me greatly. As much as I find it hard to wrap my mind around the idea of adding a third, healthy child to our family, I think it would be doable. Difficult but doable. A child with significant health challenges? I honestly don't know how we would do it.
These thoughts don't even approach the topic of adding a third child to our family. Honestly, my mind hasn't really gone to that topic much yet. If this pregnancy continued to term, AJ and MJ would be only 22 months old when the baby is born. I have posted often here about how overwhelmed I have felt juggling work and home life with young twins, and I have mentioned the strain that having two young children has placed on our marriage. At this point, I really can't fathom how we will possibly manage having a third child. Anyone can also imagine the financial and logistical challenges that would stem from having three children under 2 instead of two.
Anyway. . . I know I sound like a real Debbie Downer here, but that's where I'm at. I am not assuming that this pregnancy is going to continue, because whether or not it will is basically the flip of a coin. I am trying not to dwell on the risks and challenges that lie ahead if it does continue.
Given that my main focuses are the notion that I may miscarry at any time and the potential difficulties I will face if I don't, I guess it's not too surprising that I'm not feeling excited or happy yet.
I will be going back to the OB in a little less than three weeks for another ultrasound, and if the pregnancy is then still progressing, I will have a consultation with the high-risk OB group who followed me during my last pregnancy and delivery to get some more concrete information about the risks are in continuing this pregnancy. Although I can't control much of what will happen, I want to be as well-informed as possible.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
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Friday, March 22, 2013
So. . . .
I use the "iPeriod" app on my phone to keep track of when my period is due, and I remembered seeing that I was supposed to have it over my birthday this month. So when I realized this morning that my birthday had come and gone with no period, I checked iPeriod and found this:
Yes, I am apparently four days late. Funny how, in years past, something like this would have gotten me very hopeful and rushing for the HPTs and now it wasn't even on my radar until I opened the iPeriod app.
Thinking back over the past month, we did have unprotected s.e.x on at least one theoretically fertile day, at least according to iPeriod. (Honestly, we never bother with protection anymore because (1) we don't have s.e.x that often these days and (2) it seems a bit unnecessary to us.) I say "theoretically fertile" because really? After 40 cycles of TTC with and without medical intervention with only one chemical pregnancy to show for our efforts, I doubt that any of these "fertile" days are truly "fertile" for us anyway.
I did mention this to MM, and (in character for him) he is now mildly concerned about it. Honestly, I would think it is far more likely that I am in peri-menopause than that I am actually pregnant, naturally, at 42, with my own egg. But stranger things have happened, I guess.
Anyway. I imagine my period will make its appearance here in the next day or two and put an end to this momentary diversion.
Yes, I am apparently four days late. Funny how, in years past, something like this would have gotten me very hopeful and rushing for the HPTs and now it wasn't even on my radar until I opened the iPeriod app.
Thinking back over the past month, we did have unprotected s.e.x on at least one theoretically fertile day, at least according to iPeriod. (Honestly, we never bother with protection anymore because (1) we don't have s.e.x that often these days and (2) it seems a bit unnecessary to us.) I say "theoretically fertile" because really? After 40 cycles of TTC with and without medical intervention with only one chemical pregnancy to show for our efforts, I doubt that any of these "fertile" days are truly "fertile" for us anyway.
I did mention this to MM, and (in character for him) he is now mildly concerned about it. Honestly, I would think it is far more likely that I am in peri-menopause than that I am actually pregnant, naturally, at 42, with my own egg. But stranger things have happened, I guess.
Anyway. I imagine my period will make its appearance here in the next day or two and put an end to this momentary diversion.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Happy Birthday to Me
I have been even busier than usual of late. In addition to the typical stuff that fills my time, we were dealing with a leak under the kitchen sink last week which resulted in three plumbers' visits and (later) my spending nearly four hours (with some help from MM) replacing our kitchen faucet. . . in my spare time, LOL. I have also taken on a few new cases at work, so the combination of busier-than-usual at home plus busier-than-usual at work has left me with no time to post here.
I have also been waking up with pretty bad pain in my lower back every morning. The pain persists throughout the day, although it usually lessens as I'm up and about, but I try to avoid sitting in the evenings because I spend way too many hours sitting as it is, and I'm sure that isn't helping the situation.
Anyway. . . .
Today is my 42nd birthday. Apart from my back pain making me miserable, I don't feel that old. We are going to have dinner out with the boys after work, and MM and I are going out to dinner with friends on Saturday night for an adult celebration after the boys are in bed.
AJ and MJ were 14 months old on Tuesday. They are very busy, always go, go, go. They love going to our neighborhood park and swinging in the swings. They had a nasty cold last week but are well now, and AJ had his third ear infection at the end of the cold. AJ taught himself to climb on the couch this month, and MJ taught himself a few days later after seeing his brother do it. They both say "Mama" and "Dada" and "mum-mum," and MJ has said "hat" a couple of times and "monkey" once (and not repeated since).
They both wave bye-bye now and are learning to blow kisses. AJ now signs "more" and "all done" while eating, too. AJ taught himself to give people kisses at 9 or 10 months old, but when you ask MJ to give you a kiss, he turns his head and leans his cheek toward you. (That'll tell you a little about the difference in their personalities.) MJ loves it when MM tosses him in the air. If AJ realizes that Dada's intent is to toss him in the air, he will grab onto his hands or wrists to prevent the toss and looks decidedly uncertain about the whole thing.
AJ still has no visible teeth, and MJ still has the same six teeth he's had for months. I keep thinking that AJ will get some teeth any day now, and based on his chewing behavior, that MJ will get more, but no new teeth this month.
We took both boys to the local children's museum a few weeks ago, and they really enjoyed it. We will definitely be going back.
Not much else new to report. Neither of my job interviews resulted in job offers, and I've been about 90% compliant with my diet and lost a few pounds, despite still exercising very little (this week due to my back pain).
Gotta get to work. . . .
I have also been waking up with pretty bad pain in my lower back every morning. The pain persists throughout the day, although it usually lessens as I'm up and about, but I try to avoid sitting in the evenings because I spend way too many hours sitting as it is, and I'm sure that isn't helping the situation.
Anyway. . . .
Today is my 42nd birthday. Apart from my back pain making me miserable, I don't feel that old. We are going to have dinner out with the boys after work, and MM and I are going out to dinner with friends on Saturday night for an adult celebration after the boys are in bed.
AJ and MJ were 14 months old on Tuesday. They are very busy, always go, go, go. They love going to our neighborhood park and swinging in the swings. They had a nasty cold last week but are well now, and AJ had his third ear infection at the end of the cold. AJ taught himself to climb on the couch this month, and MJ taught himself a few days later after seeing his brother do it. They both say "Mama" and "Dada" and "mum-mum," and MJ has said "hat" a couple of times and "monkey" once (and not repeated since).
They both wave bye-bye now and are learning to blow kisses. AJ now signs "more" and "all done" while eating, too. AJ taught himself to give people kisses at 9 or 10 months old, but when you ask MJ to give you a kiss, he turns his head and leans his cheek toward you. (That'll tell you a little about the difference in their personalities.) MJ loves it when MM tosses him in the air. If AJ realizes that Dada's intent is to toss him in the air, he will grab onto his hands or wrists to prevent the toss and looks decidedly uncertain about the whole thing.
AJ still has no visible teeth, and MJ still has the same six teeth he's had for months. I keep thinking that AJ will get some teeth any day now, and based on his chewing behavior, that MJ will get more, but no new teeth this month.
We took both boys to the local children's museum a few weeks ago, and they really enjoyed it. We will definitely be going back.
Not much else new to report. Neither of my job interviews resulted in job offers, and I've been about 90% compliant with my diet and lost a few pounds, despite still exercising very little (this week due to my back pain).
Gotta get to work. . . .
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