Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sense of impending doom

I continue to have the same free-floating anxiety, actually a little worse today. It's a very unpleasant feeling; today's subject line sums up what I'm feeling. I haven't experienced this feeling for an extended period of days since I used to work in a hospital that was chronically understaffed (with lots of a$$hole private physicians on staff) and was in constant fear of losing a patient and/or getting fired. When I worked there, I'd have near panic attacks on my days off, just thinking about going back to work. It's not fun at all.

My husband is a terrific guy, but one of my few small criticisms of him is that he is not very sympathetic. When I've mentioned my anxiety to him, he just tries to come up with various reasons for it. What he doesn't understand is that it's just a FEELING without a REASON. If I were anxious about something in particular, I would've figured that out by now, and I'd know that it would eventually pass. This feeling isn't like that.

Anyway. . . . the past few days have actually been a good example for me of one of several reasons why I don't think we will ever go past IUI in our efforts to conceive a child of our own. For reasons that aren't entirely clear to me, I just can't mentally handle all the things that most other functional people seem to be able to.

I really have no reason to be anxious. Work is fine: busy, but not crazy. I have nothing going on with my family or friends to invoke anxiety. I genuinely don't think I'm anxious about the outcome of this cycle either; I've already resigned myself to the idea that it's more likely than not that it didn't work.

I don't think my anxiety is stress-related because I do a lot to decrease my stress: exercise, get plenty of sleep, get a massage every 2-3 weeks, talk to friends about my feelings (and write in this blog). I've been reading and taking it easy most evenings for the past week. I think my stress levels are probably much lower than those of most women my age, truth be told.

Still counting the days until Friday when I POAS. I will say that May 1st seemed very far off when I had my IUI, and I thought that the 2WW would be awful, but it actually hasn't turned out to be that bad. I've been tempted to test the past two days, but waking before the alarm to pee has prevented me from doing so. (I will only test with first morning urine, so once that opportunity has passed, I'm fine for the rest of the day.) Not so sure that a positive test at this point might not still be my hCG trigger anyway; having never "tested out" a trigger, I wouldn't know how long that would take.

I continue to have some mild "symptoms" which are just as likely progesterone side effects: some breast soreness, mild cramps, nausea (especially in the morning), and feeling more tired than is warranted. It's so annoying how there is nothing that can definitively tell us whether we're pregnant or not almost right away!

According to my average length of luteal phase, I would be expecting to start my period any time between tomorrow and Saturday. So Friday is probably a fair test date for me, even if it weren't the one chosen by my RE's office.


  1. I am sure there is a TINY bit of subconscious anxiety about Friday. I get anxious just reading your blog! =) And I know when I am subconsciously anxious in the 2ww because I wake up to pee before my alarm. I NEVER pee in the middle of the night prior to ovulating.

    Good luck for Friday! (or saturday or sunday if that is what you choose)

  2. Good luck on Friday - I'm hoping for the best outcome.

    And our hubby's are exactly alike - he rarely gets upset about anything (or at least anything that he should be upset about) and when I do, he doesn't get it. Maybe it's just men? :)


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