And so it begins

I just talked to the nurse in my RE's office about getting started for this cycle. I have to go in tomorrow morning at 9:30 for a (lovely) ultrasound to check my ovaries for cysts. Assuming that the u/s is normal, I will then get a prescription for Clomid and start taking it beginning on Saturday for five days. We also scheduled a "mid-cycle" ultrasound for CD 14 to check on my follicles and see whether I am ready to trigger.

I have a couple of concerns that the nurse couldn't completely resolve for me. First, I think there is a strong possibility that I will ovulate prior to the ultrasound scheduled for CD 14. In all the cycles I charted, there were only three or four times that I ovulated later than CD 13, and I once ovulated on CD 11. She told me that I can call the office and come in for an earlier ultrasound if I see a + OPK earlier than CD 14. Thankfully, my calendar is not very full early that week, so I probably could reschedule if necessary, assuming the RE's office could get me in.

Second, if my cycle proceeds according to their predicted timetable, my IUI would (theoretically) be scheduled for a morning when I have a deposition scheduled. It's a deposition where I am the lawyer asking the questions, so there's no way that I can get someone else to take it for me. And there's really no way for me to reschedule it unless I want to tell the partner why I need to reschedule. . . . something I am not in favor of doing.

When I asked her whether the IUI could be done in the afternoon, the nurse informed me that they don't generally do them after 9:30 a.m. and that it was unlikely. She suggested that we could still do "timed intercourse" instead if that happens. . . . a suggestion that made me want to bitch-slap her, because why the hell would we even be at the RE's office if timed intercourse would get the job done for us? We've had 14 cycles of appropriately-timed intercourse with nothing to show for it!

I am not feeling at all optimistic about our odds of success with this cycle, and I am already feeling resentful about the time away from work and everything else. I've been crying ever since I called MM to tell him about the scheduling, and I can't seem to stop.

I feel like I am already not handling this process very well, and I have yet to take a single pill or shot. Hell, at this rate, I won't know if Clomid gives me mood swings or not!

I'm just not sure I can do this. I know that millions of women do this--and much, much more--for years. But millions of women run marathons or climb mountains or do any number of things that I cannot. Just because some people can handle this does not at all reassure me that I can.

So tomorrow morning I will take my first step down a path I've long said I would never walk. . . .