My weird body

Now that our boys are here and I'm no longer pregnant, I don't think too much about my infertility any more.  It's not that I've forgotten what I went through to get to this point; it's more that it's no longer my focus.  I think about it only occasionally.  But I have been thinking some since my delivery about how weird my body is.

Prior to being pregnant and after 3+ years of unsuccessful TTC, I knew my body was weird.  Everything about my history and test results would have indicated someone who could get pregnant and have a baby, either naturally or with minimal intervention, but I couldn't.  I always had regular cycles, and according to my local RE, I had the lab results and follicle counts of someone ten years younger.  Yet in 40 cycles of TTC with my eggs, I only saw one BFP ever, which resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

Now that I've gone through pregnancy and delivery, I feel even more weird.  I am a mother of two children now, but because I had a c-section at 34 weeks, I have never felt the pain of a uterine contraction (I've only ever had painless, Braxton Hicks contractions).  While I was in the hospital prior to the boys' birth, I never had an internal exam to check my cervix, and my cervix never dilated.  (We knew I would be having a c-section from the time I was admitted because AJ was breech.)

I know neither contractions or internal exams are anything enjoyable that I should miss, but I do feel kind odd having never experienced either as part of my birth experience.  (I did have two internal exams earlier in my pregnancy, so I didn't miss out on that experience entirely.)

Ever since puberty, I've had a "womanly" figure, i.e., lots of curves.  I certainly looked fertile.  I have always been bustier than average.  I wore a C cup as a freshman in high school and have worn something between a C and a DD ever since, depending on what I weighed.


Yet despite *looking* fertile and having larger-than-average breasts, I found myself unable to produce enough milk for even one of our babies.  Yes, I started at a bit of a disadvantage--I gave birth unexpectedly at 34 weeks, was on IV magnesium sulfate for three days, and suffered a significant post-c-section blood loss (all known to adversely affect milk supply)--but you'd think that five days of 'round the clock pumping would've produced enough milk for at least ONE baby.

In my case you'd think wrong.  For me, at least, there was no correlation between breast size and milk production.

So many women develop a weight problem for the first time after a pregnancy, when they have trouble shedding their "baby weight."  Not me.  I have battled my weight my whole life, but I gained only 22 lbs while pregnant with the twins.  On the day of my first OB follow-up appointment, exactly a week after my c-section, I weighed precisely the same amount I weighed at my first OB appointment. . . within a half pound of what I weighed the morning of our embryo transfer.

By my second OB follow-up appointment, less than three weeks after delivery, I weighed 15 lbs LESS than I did the day I got pregnant.  (Yes, I lost over 15 lbs--all retained fluid--between my first and second post-partum OB appointments.)  Today I weigh 16 lbs less than I did the morning of our embryo transfer.

[I'm certainly not complaining about the weight thing--it's nice to weigh 10 lbs less today than at any time since I've known my husband--but I do think it's decidedly odd.]

So yeah, my body is weird.

But I do feel fortunate that my body was at least capable of supporting and growing our two little guys for 34 weeks.  And having them here and safe and healthy makes me think less about my weird, dysfunctional body.