Sweet Georgia posed an excellent question in her comment to my post about how I would feel if I were never a mother: she asked whether I had told MM about the conversation with the counselor.
At the time of her comment, the answer to that question was no. It wasn't because I was avoiding the topic. I never have trouble talking with MM about anything, and our infertility has been no exception. . . . but at the same time, it's not a topic I like to bring up unless we both have time and the right frame of mind to discuss it. With my mother at our house (and the drama at the end of her visit which I wrote about in my last post) and late nights at work all week, there wasn't really an appropriate moment to discuss this with MM until this past Friday night.
On Friday night, we were out for a mini-celebratory dinner (at Outback Steakhouse) because of my mother's departure. We were both relaxed and unlikely to be interrupted.
I came right out and told him that, while I may have said things in the recent past that might have led him to believe I don't care whether or not we have a child, in actuality, I still really want to be a mother and know I will deeply regret it if I don't do everything I can to make that happen. I told him I understand his reservations about spending the money that a DE IVF cycle would cost but made it clear that I don't share his concerns. (I would rather go into *some* debt trying this route rather than just give up.)
I also told him another thing that I told NC: that if it were solely my choice, I would already be signed up as a foster parent for children under age 2, with the hope that perhaps the first (or second, or third) child placed with me would someday be available for adoption. To me, although this is a risky option in that the child might be returned to the parents or another family member, it is a risk I'd be willing to take. Becoming a foster parent is practically free, and if the child left our home, at least I'd know I did everything I could to give him/her a good start in life.
MM's response was that he was glad to hear that I still want to be a mother, as he had begun to wonder, based on some of my recent comments. He "would much rather we have a kid than not," so he feels we are pretty much on the same page. He stopped short of saying he would "do anything" to make my desire to be a mother a reality (for example, he once again rejected my suggestion that we sign up as foster parents for children under 2, feeling he could not take the heartbreak if the child were removed from our care), but said he would really like to pursue the embryo donation route.
He also said he would be willing to do DE IVF if it were half the cost. The only way I can think of to make it (roughly) half the cost would be to share a cycle with someone else going through DE IVF. . . . so I am looking into making that possibility a reality along with potentially having embryos donated to us. (Upside of sharing a DE cycle: the timing is a bit more within our control than with embryo donation. Who knows when, or if, a couple will pick us to donate their embryos to?)
MM also agreed to go to a counseling session with me. I framed this as "it will be a big help to me," and that's true. I also think it could be a help to him.
So while there is still a lot of uncertainty about where we will go from here, it is good to have the lines of communication open and feel that we are working toward a common goal.