Thursday, April 29, 2010

#200

I can hardly believe that this is my 200th post! Wow. Who'd have thought I'd have this much TTC-related stuff to write about. ;-)

I posted last week about attending an infertility support group. Though a lot of what the support group leader was talking about last Monday was stuff I didn't "get" or that did not resonate with me, one thing she talked about that did is the idea letting go of attachment to the outcome. Easier said than done, or as I read somewhere, letting go is "simple but not easy."

When we met with our RE last Friday, MM told him that one reason we'd taken a long-ish break was that the treatment cycles were harder for him than our TTC-on-our-own cycles because his disappointment was so much greater when they failed. He talked about how angry he would be when the HPT was negative or when my period arrived and how that anger was greatly increased when we'd spent "so much time, energy and money to achieve a pregnancy."

Our RE's response, which did not come across as flippant and simplistic as it will sound as you are reading this, was "it doesn't help to get angry, and when there is an 85% chance that the treatment won't work, you should be expecting that outcome." True, but easier said than done, right? He does know of what he speaks, though, because in addition to being an experienced RE, he and his wife conceived their 2nd and 3rd children (twins) via IVF. He's literally been there, on both sides, patient and physician.

After hearing their exchange, I recalled what the group leader had said on the subject. I have been ruminating about since, and I think it's right. One of the biggest things that causes me to obsess during treatment cycles is my attachment to the outcome of a cycle. With proper scheduling and structure, I can do all the things I have to do in a treatment cycle without thinking about TTC all the time. The real reason I obsess is because I want the outcome--a pregnancy, with a healthy, living baby at the end--so badly.

So I am making that my project for this cycle: letting go of my attachment to the outcome. I can only do what I can do, and what will be, will be. We can do everything "right" and follow the RE's treatment plan, and we may still never have a baby. The outcome is completely outside my control.

I am coming to slow acceptance of the idea that we may never achieve a pregnancy together which will result in our bringing home our own healthy, living child. While I cannot say that I am OK with that, I know that life will go on regardless and that it will be good. Different, perhaps, from what I had planned and anticipated, but still good.

In this sense, I am in a very different place emotionally, mentally, than I was when we started our first treatment cycle last April. And given where I am today, I no longer think it's a good use of my energy to spend all my time wishing/hoping/praying for something that may or may not come to us.

What if I just accept what is and what will be, without trying to control the outcome? I want to learn how that will feel.

4 comments:

  1. Great post - congrats on #200! You've given me some food for thought with this post. I think it was very brave of your husband to talk about his feelings with your RE. Infertility is hard on everyone.

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  2. Wow, so I'm behind on commenting and you have been busy. Up to 200 posts, 6 posts alone in my reader, and moving back into cycling!

    I support your reasoning. The whole think positive thing and it will all work out never sat right with me. My thoughts have control on my attitude, but they sure as heck couldn't make embryos implant in my uterus. I do have to say no matter what I expected the outcome to be the negative still always hurt like hell.

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  3. This reminds me of "hope for the best, but plan for the worst." I don't see anything wrong with fierce desire to have a baby -- that is what drives you to go to such great lengths to achieve your goal, after all. I was thinking a little while ago about how difficult it is to not achieve a goal over and over and over. In no other situation in life have I experienced this. If there's something I've wanted and I've worked hard to get it, it has usually worked out. It's these things we have no control over -- life and death -- that are so challenging. I'm so glad I found your blog. I like the way you think.

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  4. Kudos to the RE for being realistic and helping your husband to deal with the process a little better. I hope you find a way to gain acceptance and peace. I am working on it currently, and it is really hard! All we can do is hope for the best and keep living our lives, right?

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