Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Envy

Envy means "to bear a grudge toward someone due to coveting what that person has or enjoys." In a milder sense, it means "the longing for something someone else has without any ill will intended toward that person."

I would definitely say that I envy those with children. I often find myself wanting to have a child of my own so much, and feeling so frustrated that I don't, that I definitely bear grudges--at least on some level and to some extent--against women who have what I don't. It's not personal. It doesn't mean that I want THEIR babies; I only want my own.

I find this feeling to be more pronounced when I am dealing with women to whom I know pregnancy came easily. For some reason that isn't quite clear to me, if I know that a woman waited a long time to achieve pregnancy, or had to through treatment, or thought that she could never get pregnant, I somehow find her "success" where I have thus far "failed" easier to bear.

Unfortunately, many of my friends and acquaintances fall into the other category: their pregnancies occurred easily and readily or, indeed, were unplanned. I have more than one friend who was able to "time" her pregnancies when they were most convenient for her (in terms of time off from work or spacing between children). And aside from women I have met online in the past several months, I have few friends for whom achieving pregnancy was a struggle. Which, given the incidence of infertility in the general population, makes sense, I guess. And it's no one's fault: it just is what it is.

I am not, by nature, an envious person. I am satisfied with the lifestyle MM and I have, even though many of my friends and acquaintances live more affluent ones. I went to a public university and a public law school, and bear no grudge against those who received more prestigious, private school educations. I am content with our relatively small, modest house and its simple, modest furnishings; my 2005 Prius; and traveling within the U.S., rather than to Europe or more exotic locales. I don't dress in designer clothes, don't belong to a country club, and don't care about those things.

In making me envious of women with children, women for whom pregnancy has come easily, our inability to have a child of our own has once again brought out a feeling in me that I don't like and that I feel are not "me." Where will it end?

6 comments:

  1. I completely understand...I still feel that way even though I am pg now. Just knowing that others just have sex and BOOM they're pregnant makes me very envious!! Its still a blow to me. I dont know if that feeling will ever go away, but I still find myself jealous of others who get pg easily, because I will never have that option. I guess this is jsut something about IF that you will always carry with you (atleast I feel that way)

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  2. I understand your feelings. it is so hard to want something outside of our control....i feel like everyone i know had such easy times that they don't understand me and my feelings, they take it so lightly, while i worry....and worry. don't get me wrong, i know i am blessed right now, but still feel alone.
    (hugs)

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  3. Envy - it is such a hard thing. I feel like it turns me into an evil person. I understand your pain - IF sucks.

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  4. First of all, please do not beat yourself up for feeling envious. I think that is an entirely natural reaction. I too feel that way about others - even with regard to choices I consciously made! In your case, good Lord, I would completely feel the same way - especially with women that could "time" their children. But you know what? The fact that you are aware of it, and from what I can tell, feel a bit bad about it (which you shouldn't), puts you light years ahead of others my friend. It just shows what a good person you are down deep - and I truly believe that you will be rewarded some day.

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  5. I don't like those feelings, either! I don't like how they've creeped in and tend to pop up when I don't expect it. IF is changing me.

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  6. Not much to add except that I get it. I'm sorry and I get it. It is a constant struggle to balance out being happy for others while struggling with wanting what they have. I try to remind myself that wanting exactly what they have might also mean getting their unappreciative husband or dead end job... I can't say it always helps, but it does remind me to count my blessings more often.

    Hugs.

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